When Life is a Blur – Day 20

Exhausted. Tired to my bones. Weak. Shoulders slumping. Weary. Numb. No amount of rubbing my eyes makes my view clear.

How. Do. I. Go. On?

Life is demanding. My mind never stops. One thing after another after another after another keeps on coming.

It’s never one thing – or a couple of small things – or even a couple of big things that threaten to knock me down and out. Have you ever had that week when life is filling your plate faster – and faster – than you can clear it? Have you ever felt like you were drinking out of a fire hydrant as life is coming at you so fast you are unable to process even one issue and get it behind you?

Last week was that for me.

By mid morning Monday – I knew I was in trouble.

I felt like it was all going to blow up and the fall out was going to be massive.

When that “other” nature takes over – it leaves me shaking. Words kept escaping my lips and they were not kind. My frustration at this piling on was growing. After about the third or fourth set escaped without any filter, I knew I needed to go home.

It’s not everyday the people around me are glad to see me go… but that day – I could feel the audible sigh of relief.

What was wrong with me???

This was way big.

Too. Big. For. Me.

And the problems didn’t stop coming that day. Or the next.

By Wednesday morning, I knew I had to dig deeper and get myself out of the way. You know – that time when you are your own worst enemy!

My prayers changed. Asking God to sort out all the junk circling my mind – you know the circular thoughts that never stop until somehow I convince myself they are truth? My attempt to pull it together so it would begin to make sense to me became my focus. I desperately needed to be able to process what was going on and it wasn’t working with me in charge.

It had been building up in me like a pressure cooker and it became too much for me. True that it is a lot –  yet the busy pace of life had me stuck.

Too many people had died. I missed them. Too young. Babies we would never get to hold. My mom. My friend.

Digging in my bible, searching for direction, I landed in Proverbs – again –

Proverbs 4:11-12
I guide you in the way of wisdom
And lead you along straight paths.
When you walk, your steps will not be
Hampered;
When you run, you will not stumble. NSV

 It doesn’t mean He is going to wave a magic wand and all my problems are going to go away. It stays hard. It does mean that when I apply His truths and principles, I will change.

I felt the clutter in my mind beginning to change.

The fog began to clear, I began to focus on what was going on around me and it slowly began to make sense. God was clearing the clutter and in that process showing me the straight path – and even more importantly, that He was leading me towards it.

Wow – ok

I named it – Grief – Loss – Sadness – Frustration – and anger . . .

How do you follow God? How do you process that helpless feeling when things continue to pile on with no end in sight?

Join me today in prayer for us each to see Him clearer – to dedicate our lives to slowing down so we can see Him clearer in this world we walk in every day.

“Lord please give me the courage to take time to be still long enough to hear what You want me to hear in Your word. Give me the courage to open my bible and to search for Your purpose for me – to be courageous in my walk – to follow the straight path You have prepared for Me. Let that fire hydrant called life – coming at me so fast I cannot even see you – slow down, become a trickle – allowing me to process what You have planned for me. I know it is amazing because over and over again in Your precious word, in the fellowship of my community and in my daily walk – it is consistently revealed to me. Thank You, Lord for being my heavenly Father and for how you love ME! Amen”`