Broken Hearts

Being February, most of us have seen more than our share of snippets of poetry proclaiming eternal love for that special person, videos of the most creative valentine’s and ooey gooey commercials attempting to convince everyone that only the biggest present could proclaim one’s love sufficiently.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out how commercialized it has all become.

I loved the valentines I received from the little people in my life. It is a celebration of being part of someone’s life and being loved.

 

 

But, in the midst of all that loving – I think it’s probably correct to say many of us still feel a hole somewhere inside us that isn’t quite content.

Being my fifth Valentine’s day divorced and (I survived – am surviving – yes I did – yes I am!) watching all this going down around me, my thoughts kind of fell into what was going on in my own heart.

When something I treasure breaks I do my best to glue it back together. Yet, never again is it whole and complete. I am protective and cautious with it.

But I have learned and continue to learn more everyday and I hope you are too – what happens when I give my broken heart to God. All those pieces fit perfectly in His hands.

 

When my husband left me, I still have this visual of me standing there holding half a heart in my hand and not having a clue what to do next. He took what was one and made it two. How is it possible to survive that? Well, somewhere in the process of navigating those very stormy waters, I realized I was not alone. I began to feel God’s presence near me. I realized He was waiting patiently for me to let go of the death grip I had on my half of a heart and give it to Him.

In time I can almost see Him hold it out to me in His healing hands with the biggest, most tender smile ever seen by these human eyes. When I break His gaze and look down at His hands – there is my heart coming back to me – healed – scars still visible – but no longer broken – strong. And if you look closely at my new heart, you will see gratitude written on it, grace to cover all the mistakes  I’ve made and will make and all of it held together by God’s love for me. He added a measure of joy and peace too!

I can see the places I had tried gluing back together – doing my best to fill the holes with food, shopping and busyness. It is so easy to fall into the trap of choosing temporary things to fill the places God intended to be filled with Him. Excuses piled on top of excuses – justifications the world tells me I deserve to embrace.

Yet, they too are healing. I can see the places I was most fearful of breaking again – trust in others, belief that I am worthy to be loved, always seeking what “things” might MAKE me happy and a fear of being still and not knowing who I am – all in the healing process.

But – the most important “thing” of all is I know where to take my heart. I know where to put it the next time it breaks. Because I know as a human on this earth – that will happen. I won’t attempt the repairs myself. I refuse to live in fear of it all falling apart. The fear of fragility has left, replaced with the confidence of how much God loves me and how much He wants me to trust Him and how much God wants me well.

You know that feeling you have when you finally find a repairman who fixes things right the first time? One you don’t have to hold your breath wondering how long things will work before you have to call him back again? Don’t you tell everyone you know how amazing this guy or gal is and how you highly recommend them for any repairs your friends might have? It’s like finding a treasure and wanting to share it with everyone. This is exactly how I feel about God’s love  – and what He has done for me – I want to tell the world – He is standing there just waiting for us to give Him our brokenness and allow Him to begin His beautiful work in all of us.

I will not attempt the repairs myself and live in fear of it all falling apart. In the darkness of the night when all the doubts and fears raise their ugly heads and move into mine, I will pray them away. I AM NOT ALONE! I don’t have to do this myself.

Something about seeing my heart healthy again gives me courage to open it to possibilities of new friendships and allowing doors to open inside me that have been closed for a very long time.

God is the mighty healer.

The greatest truth I have taken from all this is I am never too broken for my Creator to put back together. I am not Humpty Dumpty. My God is bigger than all the king’s horses and all of the king’s men.

The more broken my heart is, the bigger the opportunity for God to restore each broken piece and create something in me that is bigger and more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

When God created me, He put a tiny piece of Himself in me and created me in His image. He wants me whole. He wants nothing but the best for me.

Well, that’s where I left off last night – I always sleep on what I write, pray about it and ask God to reveal to me what I have missed or what I could add to strengthen the message.

Then this morning even before my feet hit the floor it started.

My broken heart is so connected to broken dreams. Our fallacy as humans is choosing to engage in other humans – we do see – before we lean back and hand it all over to God – we don’t see.

A sadness had settled in my heart – waking up sad doesn’t come from God my Father who only wants the best for me. Immediately I asked God to guide me through the debris floating through my mind and show me what is the source of this sadness. And then there it was – the answer I was looking for – an old wound I had not released to God yet – so I am working through that one now.

“Father – take this confusion, this sadness from my heart. Take it far away and replace it with YOU! Please hold me close today as I maneuver through the potential land mines that threaten to derail me. Keep my focus on Your presence but most of all Your love for me. No human on this earth can replace the “feeling” or the “knowing” that I am Yours. I love you Lord. Please protect my words today. Do not let anything leave my lips that doesn’t mirror Your love for me. Forgive me Lord. In Jesus precious name I pray – Amen”

 So, in my search for happiness, I am learning to BE happy. Things and people don’t MAKE me happy. The true source of happiness lies in WHO holds my heart and WHO loves me. The people I see in my life and the people who see me in theirs will always be vulnerable. We will continue to hurt each other in our brokenness but as we allow God our Father whom we do not see to hold all our hearts together in Him, our walk will become a beautiful reflection of His love for us.

 

                           Psalm 51:10-12

     Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

      Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

      Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.