I’m Ready . . . Reflections and A Few Other Things Too

 

I didn’t even feel them sliding past my lips. It happened so fast – a surreal feeling of something bad happening and not being able to even slow it down, much less stop it – it was just wrong.

After about the tenth person had asked me if I was ready for Christmas and my feeble attempts failing miserably to smile politely and mutter something unintelligible and move on – I replied – “Yes, I am ready. Ready for it to be over.”

Oh dear – I left the room with my daughter mumbling at my side, “Come on Mom – you have to do better than that.”

She was right.

Three o’clock this morning – I was laying in my bed making a mental list of all the really big things I have walked through this past year. It isn’t possible to share them here because they involve so many people I love and they aren’t mine to share. Trust me when I tell you they run the gamut of some of the biggest ones on anyone’s list.   Wait – I thought that was 2013 – you can read about that on my blog post titled “Six Times”.

Again, the feeling in my chest kept growing – anxiety rolling me over and over in my bed. My list continued – my prayers forming in my heart. All of a sudden my mom came to mind and the tears sprung from my eyes and there was nothing I could do to hold them back. Sobbing pretty hysterically by now, I knew I had landed on at least a part of the core of my angst. I really miss my mom – she had a gift of listening, not judging and rarely complaining. She always made this funny noise as she listened – something akin to – “awwwwhhhhhhhh, honey, I am so sorry.” Such a comforting sound that soothed even the biggest hurt. Just to have someone listening and caring.

Wait – isn’t that what the world needs more of?

Someone to hear our hearts, feel our trembling agony, acknowledge our cries for comfort and hold us as we weep – it’s what we all seek. No matter who you are – you know what I am talking about.

And the still small voice inside me begins to grow. The words inside take form and come out in the shape of a prayer. Again I find myself asking God to carry this for me and again I begin to feel the release and again I as I feel those anxious feelings and the anxiety they spawn drift out, carried away by my prayer, I know I am loved, I am chosen and I am going to be ok – again. One thing I have learned this year is that it is a constant process.

And in that process I have learned gratitude and gratefulness.

And I am learning the value of looking closely at what is going on inside me. I don’t want to walk through life like a ticking time bomb about to explode my mess all over everyone around me.

I know the value of reflections and reflecting. Looking at what is behind me, stopping and reflecting on what I have learned and remembering this is the time of year the answer to all our struggles and our grieving came to earth that starry night long ago, swaddled in a manger.

And my grief moves to belief. This is not a battle I fight alone.  I move from grieving into believing.

Belief brings gratitude and peace into this very broken heart and I know and it is my prayer that you, too, can move to this new year coming and determine for yourself to walk a new walk filled with hope and joy – the ones that come from our Lord and our Savior.

“Lord, we continue to lay our sadness and our pain at Your feet. God please help us the next few days especially. Bring before us constant reminders that we are not alone – no matter how many bodies do or do not occupy the same room. Help us to reflect on ways we have seen You at work in our lives this past year. Create in us a new awareness of Your presence in our lives. Lord, today, as we participate in this season, let us focus deep inside on the events that happened that night long ago when You sent Your son from heaven to save us. We look forward to the day when we don’t fight the battle in our physical bodies any more. We praise You for the great plan of eternity and we praise You for loving the broken us. In Jesus precious name we pray. Amen”

 Isaiah 9:6   

For a child has been born—for us!

the gift of a son—for us!

He’ll take over

the running of the world.

His names will be: Amazing Counselor,

Strong God,

Eternal Father,

Prince of Wholeness.

His ruling authority will grow,

and there’ll be no limits to the wholeness he brings.

He’ll rule from the historic David throne

over that promised kingdom.

He’ll put that kingdom on a firm footing

and keep it going

With fair dealing and right living,

beginning now and lasting always.

For a child has been born—for us!

the gift of a son—for us!

Merry Christmas to all my friends and partners in this journey we call life . . . 

Janet