Remembering…

September 4 is my month and day. Mine. Shared with my family. Yet – it is mid August and my attempt to honor this date, my thoughts and grief in the death of my mother – seems feeble. Time has a way of scooping us up and moving us at a disturbingly fast pace.

The same thing happened as February 24 came and went on our family calendar and the day my best friend in Honduras died and my father in law in April and two other days in January and March – just in the year 2013.

September 4 brings the one-year anniversary of the accident that claimed my mother’s life sixteen days later.

Emotions begin falling around me like the leaves in fall. These days, it’s a few here and there, but as time passes and the date draws nearer, the ground will be covered around me with my feelings of sadness, helplessness, grief, anger and frustration along with my tears of memories – conversations in her last days- her smiles – holding her hand and laying my head on the side of her bed in the final days.

I wonder – will the “leaves” ever stop falling? I’m guessing they won’t.

I’m praying they will be different as time softens the pain. As the pain begins to look more and more like the memories that make my smile appear – small at first and then as I remember the good – the smile grows.

It is my goal to feed the good memories and starve the pain of injustice and needless suffering mom endured that threatens to keep me a prisoner. As hard as it is for me right now to dread the approach of September 4 – whether I am ready for it or not – I was startled the other day as a new thought came to mind.

That month and that day belong to my family. Yet, today, August 17 is someone else’s day and tomorrow is bringing the same set of loss and grief to another family – dear, precious friends of mine. And, yesterday brought those same memories and grief and pain to another.

I know everyone in our family will connect in some way on the 4th of September. Encouragement and a deep sense of community and common loss and living an aware love for those of us still here will be a big part of those conversations. We are hyper sensitive to the fragility of our life here and have great respect for those we can still hug and talk to and do life with – even if it gets messy many days – and we are really messy.

We have learned holding on to the past hurts and anger, and all the parts and pieces of that which keep us apart, are a waste of time.

I wonder what community on earth would look like if we extended the same comfort that comes easily within our family and friends during loss to others. What would it look like if we walked our walk treating each person like we would like to be treated, especially on our deeply painful days? What if we learned to extend comfort and grace and love and a hug or two every day in our personal world? On September 4, I will probably go to the grocery store, run a few errands, and go about life in the midst of my grieving.

I wonder how many people we pass each day are living that same set of circumstances? Can this awareness make me a more sensitive human?

The beautiful cycle God created on this earth decided the leaves land all around us on the ground, and yet in due season, they will become the source of nourishment as the tiny spring flowers begin to sprout and bloom, bringing us a beautiful reminder of the cycle of life on this earth.

It is my prayer that I will allow those memories, pain, sadness, and all the good and the bad to be my source of nourishment – that I will have the courage to use them to allow new growth and something beautiful to come of them.

As I pray in all circumstances in my life, I ask God to show me where He is in the midst of it. My prayer is that I will never waste anything – no matter how devastating it is – no matter how this earth is set on destroying me and robbing me of the light and the hope God promises me.

Please join me in using those circumstances we share as well as those that are ours alone to draw us closer to God and a deeper relationship with Him.

Below are a few scriptures I turn to when I am overwhelmed. These help me re-center, making me able to see God clearer.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 (this was always a favorite of my dad’s)

28 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. 29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; 31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

Then spoke Jesus again to them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that follows me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. John 8:12

3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Lord, We come before you this moment, here in this place, asking for your comfort. Everyday, Lord, is someone’s day of loss. Today, Lord, please let us claim Your promises to us. Draw us closer to You. Open that deep part of us You created to seek You. Hold us close in Your arms – in the safest place in all of creation. Allow us to lay down all the emotions and memories that keep us focused on this earthly pain. Open our eyes to see You clearer. Help us to understand that one day our pain and all the suffering on this earth will be gone, and we will live for eternity with You in heaven. Lord, bring all those who do not yet know You into our paths and let us be Your light to them. Let us come alongside others, Lord, as we learn to use our grief to make us a beautiful example of Your incredible healing power. We love You, Lord