Drinking From a Fire Hydrant

Exhausted. Tired to my bones. Weak. Shoulders slumping. Weary. Numb.

How. Do. I. Go. On?

Life is demanding. My mind never stops. One thing after another after another after another keeps on coming.

It’s never one thing – or a couple of small things – or even a couple of big things that threaten to knock me down and out. Have you ever had that week when life is filling your plate faster than you can clear it? Have you ever felt like you were drinking out of a fire hydrant as life is coming at you so fast you are unable to process even one issue and get it behind you?

Last week was that for me.

By mid morning Monday – I knew I was in trouble.

I felt like it was all going to blow up and the fall out was going to be massive.

By nature, I am typically pretty easy going – I think. But when that “other” nature takes over – it leaves me shaking. Words kept escaping my lips and they were not kind. My frustration at this piling on was growing. After about the third or fourth set escaped without any filter, I knew I needed to go home.

It’s not everyday the people around me are glad to see me go… but that day – I could feel the audible sigh of relief.

What was wrong with me???

This was way big.

Too. Big. For. Me.

And the problems didn’t stop coming that day. Or the next.

By Wednesday morning, I knew I had to dig deeper and get myself out of the way. You know – that time when you are your own worst enemy!

My prayers changed. Asking God to sort out all the junk circling my mind and pull it together so it would begin to make sense to me became my focus. I desperately needed to be able to process what was going on and it wasn’t working with me in charge.

Digging in my bible, searching for direction, I landed in Proverbs – again –

Proverbs 4:11-12
I guide you in the way of wisdom
And lead you along straight paths.
When you walk, your steps will not be
Hampered;
When you run, you will not stumble. NSV

So, God is telling me to follow Him as He leads me on straight paths. Not to try to make a decision every time I come to a crossroad or a fork in the road. As I study and commit His teachings to my heart, my paths will be made straight because I am following Him.

I felt the clutter in my mind beginning to change. Typically, I am not a list person, but I decided I needed to begin to land each thing spiraling in my head. As I did that – after about the tenth thing landed on the page, the common thread began to emerge for me.

The fog began to clear and it began to make sense. God was clearing the clutter and in that process showing me the straight path – and even more importantly, that He was leading me towards it.

The List

The one year anniversary of my really dear friend’s death –

The upcoming one year anniversary of my mom’s tragic, untimely death –

Selling my family home where we lived for over 20 years –

The loss of my family unit

Uttering the words “I am divorced” –

The loss of celebrating what would have been a milestone anniversary

The loss of a friendship

The loss of trust in people I had placed much faith in

Realizing how fragile our relationships are

And…most important…acknowledging how broken I am

Wow – ok

Praying through this – it all begins to make a little more sense now. I was trying to carry it all buried deep in me – to figure it all out even as I was speaking the language of committing it all to God – I realized I had not released it completely to His hands.

I named it – grief, loss, sadness.

It had been building up in me like a pressure cooker and it became too much for me. True that it is a lot – but I know better – yet the busyness of life had me stuck.

The process of sitting prayerfully, asking God to still me and to show me, led me to the realization of what was going on in me.

The unstoppable flow of meanness from my mouth is slowing, the love of God is once again filling my heart – it had become dry. I had neglected it.

Can you identify with the helpless feeling I was experiencing? Can you still yourself long enough to begin to pray – asking God to show you what’s going on?

How do you follow God? How do you process that helpless feeling when things continue to pile on with no end in sight?

Join me today in prayer for us each to see Him clearer – to dedicate our lives to being still so we can be a clearer reflection of Him in this world we walk in every day.

“Lord please give me the courage to take time to be still long enough to hear what You want me to hear in Your word. Give me the courage to open my bible and to search for Your purpose for me – to be courageous in my walk – to follow the straight path You have prepared for Me. Let that fire hydrant called life – coming at me so fast I cannot even see you – slow down, become a trickle – allowing me to process what You have planned for me. I know it is amazing because over and over again in Your precious word, in the fellowship of my community and in my daily walk – it is consistently revealed to me. Thank You, Lord for being my heavenly Father and for how you love ME! Amen”