The Gift – Day 9

When a gift is presented to us, we immediately are faced with a choice. We can smile and graciously accept it and open it or we can smile, graciously accept it and nonchalantly set it aside – and forget about it.

It’s pretty much the same when Jesus offers His gift.

Some of us have at one time or another been aware of Jesus.

I talk a lot about Jesus.

Looking back I believe I took the gift He offered me but politely set it to the side.

Then as I was turning 50 life began throwing so many storms at me, I didn’t know what to do.

Life happened.

And it happened again and again.

Katrina came into our lives with vengeance in 2005. So much loss and destruction surrounded me as I worked as director of disaster relief for well over a year.

Five years later my marriage of 36 years ended.

Three years after that in 2013 I experienced the physical loss of love six times when death happened. Close loves.

After that came loss when drug addition ravaged our family.

Grief moved in and took up permanent residence.

There.

I’ve been as vulnerable as possible for today. I have learned so much through counseling and workshops I have participated in. Perhaps identifying my personal struggle with trust is that I have to learn to be more vulnerable.

But I am still so cautious. It’s scary.

Those big stones I talked about yesterday – I have to stop that.

My focus needs to shift to that gift Jesus handed me – the one I placed off to the side. The one gathering dust in the corner.

The day I picked it up and dusted it off changed everything for me.

At first it was a small gesture, timid, almost embarrassed with some shame thrown in – but curiosity about what the gift was – that won. There was evidence of me having gently torn open a corner to unwrap it but distractions happened.

Life did.

“Stories” from my childhood and memories of sermons and lessons I had heard began to surface through the muck in me.

It’s important for me to be honest here –
I had never quit attending church in all those years.

Oh in hindsight how I wish I had fully unwrapped that gift so long ago.

But I have come to peace as I realize how every part of my life has written the story of Janet.

Regrets over decisions and choices I have made can not be the boss of how I move forward from here.

Today I stand on the promises and love I found when I finally tore the wrapping off that gift and full on accepted the most beautiful evidence of how much God loves me.

I want you to know how that process has forever changed grief as it became a permanent part of me.

We have made peace.

There are still days it gets a little sticky – our relationship – I still cry a lot. After a lifetime of being told to stop crying or don’t cry – my tears have become my friend. They are my personal release valve. I love how my friend Sharon G writes about that – she will be our next guest post on Thursday.

I often say my tears flow freely when my heart becomes too full and overflows out my eyes.

I have learned to weep without shame.

Sometimes my warrior tears come as I see how God has been so present in situations I never felt equipped to handle. I know He will use me the rest of my days- that as my story continues to be written – may it be to His glory.

There. That is the reason for me to be  brave and vulnerable.

Because if there is one part of my story that can encourage you to lift your chin, look around and find the package you set aside so long ago – then all this is worth it.

If you lost yours, threw it out one day in utter frustration- ask God to bring it back.

Become a little vulnerable as you begin a new journey discovering how grief can become a comfortable part of the future you.

Peace my friends

Revelation 21:4  

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes,

and death shall be no more,

neither shall there be mourning,

nor crying, nor pain anymore,

for the former things have passed away.” 

This is the promise – the warranty – that comes with the package. Our grief will be gone one day.

“Lord, we know You hear every heart that cries out to You – You truly understand grief. You understand the power it can have in us and over us. Please, God, today we ask you to remove that power and replace it with peace – Your peace. We know it will never leave us but we also believe Your promise to hold us when it seems too strong. Loss is hard. We lose pieces of us when it happens. Thank You, God for showing up when we feel so weak. Thank You for making us whole again. We love You! Amen”