Containing Grief – Day 8

 

Grief comes swiftly upon me. Uninvited. Have you ever seen a tidal wave?

Like that.

It seeps through every pore, into every cell and settles deep in the cracks and crevices of my heart.

But unlike a tidal wave that continues on its way, carrying all the debris with it, I quickly throw up
the retaining walls and refuse to allow it to move on through.

It becomes a permanent occupant continuing its self perpetuating wave of destruction – playing on repeat. Everything stays stirred up – nothing ever settles.

When it begins to wear itself out, it looks around and decides that it’s source of energy will connect to my very heartbeat.

I lose me.

It absorbs the very life source in me.

Living alone as one tidal wave upon another crashes over me, I feel as though they are competing for their space and the battle is relentlessly fierce.

I can barely breath.

The energy they consume leaves me weak. The weight of their motion – constantly off balance.

It must have been as I was going down for the third time.

Something in me rebelled.

Said NO with the last ounce of energy hidden somewhere deep in one of those crevices – one last remnant of me.

It was the one who remembered God.

Crying out to Him, to come – to save me. To pick me up from the rubble swirling around inside me. To give me oxygen.

To let me breathe.

And with a warrior cry He came.

The walls of the dam I had worked so hard at building – in the beginning I meant them to protect me. I self constructed them. I knew what was best.

But in the end, I was destroying myself.

I had become the prisoner.

And my stubborn headed German self almost went under forever for the third time.

So, if you wonder where the passion of recovery comes from when I speak, if you look at me and think – she doesn’t look broken – what you are really hearing is the passion of being loved like I never knew was possible. What you are seeing is pieces restored as only the Creator can restore.

I cried out to Him.

He came.

He tore down those walls. The floodgates opened. With the rushing exit – carrying the life sucking energy and all the debris with it.

I would love to tell you the story ends there my friends but, alas. It doesn’t.

Somehow there are days I find myself rebuilding the walls. For some reason retreating back to the days of carrying big, heavy stones toward the place it began with that first tidal wave. Bent on keeping it all a prisoner in me – forgetting I was the one who would once again become imprisoned.

Was I choosing the comfort of the known over the uncomfortable unknown?

Walking with God is one of the most amazing, incredible parts of my journey- beyond anything I could ever have imagined.

It is always a new day.

Before I put my feet on the ground, I have learned to begin the day with God.

I don’t want to become a prisoner ever again.

I reject that.

He is the one I can speak every fear aloud and He listens. This goes on all day and through the night when the struggles are most intense.

My dogs often come running when they hear my voice because they think we have company.

If these struggles feel a little familiar, if any part if this feels real to you, please remember God is waiting for you. He is waiting to love you in ways you never imagined possible.

Let Him bring in His heavy duty lifeline and begin to work with you. In you.

Experience the relief and healing when those burdens flow out as the walls are torn down.

“Lord, Father, God – please enter into this conversation. Please come and tear down these walls. Show me what its like to walk with you keeping the walls I work so hard at building – reduced to rubble that is then swept away. Help me, Lord when I forget it is not my battle to fight – alone. Care for every wounded heart out there, Lord. Bring us comfort. Bring us peace. Shower us with stamina. But most of all, Lord, use us to help the world to see – a life living with You – outshines anything the world has to offer. May our eyes be ever focused on You. We love You Lord. Thank You Lord for pursuing us in the storms. In Jesus’ name – Amen.”