Many times tragedy followed by grief roars into our lives without warning. It changes everything. Everything.
When my mom was in an accident in the nursing home van that morning – my world stopped as I struggled to comprehend what my sister was saying.
I somehow managed to get to the airport and begin a journey that day that would end about fifteen hours later in the trauma hospital where she had been life flighted.
Fifteen hours of car, airports, rental car and finding my way to a place I had never been, arriving around midnight that night just as she was coming out of surgery.
It is hard for me even today to remember all the details of that day. Sometimes memories are clear and other times they all seem to run together.
The one detail I am certain of and one that never seems to fade is how I felt God’s presence over and over again. It was the lifeline I held onto. The one I depended on as I drove back and forth to the hospital everyday for more than two weeks.
Other memories fade. Conversations. Meetings with the staff at the nursing home. Consultations with the doctors.
But I remember friends from all over the country calling and texting prayers and checking in to find out how we were. Praying for God’s presence. Praying for God’s comfort.
It was hard to focus on anything but mom – but God kept showing up.
If you have gone through similar situations, maybe you saw God show up in kindnesses from the hospital staff or conversations in the waiting room or elevator, cafeteria or coffee shop – even the guy in the parking garage. You know – all those people you saw everyday. Maybe you were able to comfort someone else in their tragedy. Maybe you didn’t receive that and maybe you didn’t have the opportunity to reach out to someone else – or maybe you just plain couldn’t. Understandable.
Some days all those memories come flooding back and threaten to keep you underwater again – unable to breath or do life. Maybe some days it feels like no one could possibly understand how you feel. Maybe some days others who are sharing the same loss turn and walk away – unable to comfort you anymore.
It breaks us all – just in different ways.
If I have learned anything about grieving – it hurts the most because we have loved – and we have lost.
As I was able to begin the importance of moving through – not getting stuck – in my grief, I made it my goal to focus on what I knew to be true.
God became my lifeline in ways I had never imagined possible.
Gradually over the years, I have been able to come to terms with the loss of being loved by my mom and others who have left. It has been hard on this heart of mine. I don’t think I’m alone in this.
One day I began studying how God loves me. There are so many ways He tells us that in the bible and it sinks in deep to the cracks and crevices in my heart when I get out and walk barefoot in the grass, roam up and down the beach, sit and watch sunsets, sunrises, drive through the mountains and along the coastline of the oceans.
When it all gets blurry some days, it gets hard again. I return to the place where I feel closest to God.
Find that place. Find your place.
For me, it is quiet. It is sitting still and it is just being present in the present. “There” is my “happy” when my focus is on Him.
“Thank you Lord, for being so obvious in the world around me. Thank you for loving me when I become focused on counting the loved ones I have lost. Lord, surround each of us with reminders of Your presence – remind us as we read and study Your word – and let us know without a doubt what to focus on when it all gets blurry again. We love You Lord. Amen.”